Think Pink

 Dear Savannah,

   I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my pregnancy and my little miracle who is currently snoring right next to me. Yes, sweet baby of mine, you snore. Last week, I started the book Bloom, by Kelle Hampton. I was finished in three days, record time for a mom raising her own child with special needs who has not picked up a book since you were born. Kelle, well she is amazing. Her memoir had me in tears on several occasions. Maybe because I could relate in some ways, or maybe because she is so inspiring and I want I be more, as a mother and as a person.

   Our journey started much different. In fact, I woke from a dream on October 2, 2010 that I was pregnant with a little girl. Nothing was out of the ordinary with my cycle but I went ahead and took a pregnancy test, and yes, there were two, pink, faint lines so I went right in for a blood test. 

   I never wanted to be the mom to say that I didn't plan my pregnancy. I would be lying if I told you any different. While some pregnancies are planned, I would imagine that many more are not. Anyway, not really what I want to tell you either but I had kicked Daddy out and for the past five nights, I was living alone. You see, we never did well together when we would drink. We would drink too much and it never ended well. I had enough, and thought it was time to move on. Little did I know that two pink lines would change us into much more responsible adults and two people that really loved each other and would love you even more. This change started instantly and we remain this way today. It's crazy how much better a relationship works without the influence of Jack Daniels.

   On my way to the doctor to confirm a pregnancy, I was in tears talking to my bestie Kelli. She calmed me down for a short time. As I was sitting in the office, I felt very overwhelmed and scared that I might in fact be pregnant.  I had a young male doctor who confirmed the pregnancy but thought the blood counts were low. I had told him I had some cramping the night before so he sent me for my first, of numerous ultrasounds. I left the office and burst into tears calling Kelli again, who offered to meet me at the hospital. At first I said yes, and then I changed my mind. I knew there was nothing she could do and that I would be just fine. So, before my phone died, I told her I would call her later.  I had so many mixed emotions. I was just really scared to take on such a huge responsibility in the beginning. I was also very excited to know that I would be a mommy, something I have always dreamed of. Never think for a minute that I didn't want you. I was just not expecting to have a child before I was married. I loved you from the day the doctors told me I was expecting.

   My ultrasound, as I recall, showed nothing. They thought maybe it was too early to see you, guessing I was about five weeks along. I was told to wait for the counts to get higher and then I'd have more blood work. This was a Saturday and I was scheduled to go back Tuesday, which felt so far away.

   In the mean time, I called Kelli back and she offered all the support she could give. She remains one of the first people I turn to in a crisis. Normally, I would call Mimi or Aunt Lindy in a crisis too, but I was nervous about the judgements because Daddy and I weren't married. I then called Daddy, and asked him to come over to talk that evening. He agreed.

   Daddy came over after work. I told him about my dream and that the doctor confirmed two pink lines. He was very supportive of the news and I think very excited from the beginning. We had no idea at the time if you were a little girl or a boy but because of my dream, I just knew in my heart that this little baby growing inside, would in fact be a girl. Daddy even aksed, "What would we name our litte girl?" I love that we were blessed with all the innocence of the color pink. You my love, you are my everything.

Love, Mommy